101 best Jockes for you !

Public on October 24, 2014

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

"How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem! "

I heard that if you play a Windows CD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly.

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What will it be, stranger?" "Anything but a Canadian Club" replies the seal.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.

"A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic." And the bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest.

"I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.

A fish walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will it be?" The fish croaks, "Water."

A French fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, could I get a beer please?" The bartender looks at him shaking his head and says, "No, we don't serve food here."

"Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not" and poof! he vanishes."

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Jesus Christ walks into a bar and says, "I'll just have a glass of water."

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a 'martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. Then things get tense.

Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer. Just don't get any ideas."

Two guys are walking their dogs, one of which is a black lab and the other a Chihuahua. Passing a bar, the lab walker says, "Let's get a beer." The other guy retorts, "We can't take our dogs in there," and the first guy says, "Watch." In he goes and orders a beer. "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here," says the bartender. "But, he's my seeing eye dog." "Oh, okay. Here's your beer." Convinced, the Chihuahua owner follows, orders a beer, and gets the same response—No beer. "But, he's my seeing eye dog," he pleads. "Yeah, right," replies the bartender. "A Chihuahua as a seeing eye dog? Gimme a break." "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

"What do you call a hundred blondes stacked on top of each other? An air mattress."

"What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW? A divorcée."

"What do you call ten blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel."

"What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer? Frosted Flakes."

"What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave."

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant? "Is it mine?"

"What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

"What happened after the blonde ran to meet her long lost twin sister? She got seven years of bad luck for breaking her nose on the mirror."

"What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet."

"What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought."

Hackers in Hollywood movies are phenomenal; all they need to do is: "c:\> hack into fbi"

Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk.

Help support helpless victims of computer error.

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0.

If I wanted a fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!

My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother. It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That damn clock always was slow.

My wife has never really thought much of me. Just the other night she turned to me and said, "George, do you know that you are depriving a small village, somewhere out there, of an idiot?"

My wife said that, for her birthday, she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a long time. "What about the kitchen?" I offered.

One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."

One friend says to another, "What happened to that ad you put in the paper to find a husband? Any luck with it?" And the friend replies, "I got two hundred people who said, 'You can have mine.' "

One woman told another, "My neighbor is always talking smack about her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy, ugly, smelly, rude, obnoxious, and a coward but have I ever said anything bad about him!"

Remember, if a man steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her.

The husband, on his deathbed, called over his wife and said, "One month after I die, I want you to marry Larry." "Larry? But he is your enemy!" "Yes, I know that. I've suffered all these years, so let him suffer now."

Two old guys were chatting in the park. "You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.

"Wife: "Wake up, honey. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they're eating the food I made last night." Husband: "Oh! We better call an ambulance, then."

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I had an "hour glass" figure, but unfortunately the sand shifted.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

To err is human. To admit it, a blunder.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today is the last day of some of your life.

War does not determine who is right—only who is left.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

We have enough youth—how about a fountain of smart?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

"Q: Why does a divorce cost so much? A: Because it's worth it. "

"Q: Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman? A: Because the law says you cannot be punished                    
twice for the same offense."

"Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends."

"Q: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife are like two sides of a coin? A: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, they remain together."

"Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy."

"How do you get blondes out of a tree? Wave to them!"

It was the funeral of a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband.                    

Yo momma so fat a picture of her fell off the wall.

Yo momma so fat all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 patrons or yo momma."

Yo momma so fat her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp.

Yo momma so poor she hangs the toilet paper out to dry.

Yo momma so poor she stands on her head to mop the floor.

Yo momma so poor she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Yo momma so poor she waves an ice lolly around and calls it air conditioning.

Yo momma so poor that when I rang her doorbell, she said "ding-dong."

Yo momma so poor that when I told her about the Last Supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

Yo momma so poor that when I visited her house and tore down the cob webs, she screamed "Who's tearing down the drapes?"

Yo momma so poor that when I visited her trailer, two cockroaches tripped me and a rat tried to steal my wallet.

Yo momma so short she can hang glide Doritos

Yo momma so ugly she makes blind children cry.

Yo momma so ugly she makes onions cry.

Yo momma so ugly she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't come back.

Yo momma so ugly that I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.

Yo momma so ugly that she looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning.

Yo momma so ugly that they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.

Yo momma so ugly that when she gets up, the sun goes down.

Yo momma so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo momma so ugly that when she walks in the kitchen, the mice jump on the table and start screaming.

Yo momma so ugly that when she was born the doctor looked at her butt, then at her face, and said, "Twins!"

Yo momma so ugly that when she was born the doctor slapped her and her parents.

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